Rules for Restaurant Dining

I'm not saying all these things have happened in our family. Some we have experienced, others we have just observed. But, after some rather colorful experiences eating out recently, I decided to draft up some basic rules for restaurant dining. 

#1: The moment you sit down, immediately collect all utensils, condiments, sauces, sugar packets, salt or pepper shakers and any other item that could be sucked on, choked on, inhaled, snorted, thrown or spilled. Place them next to a trustworthy adult or (ideally) on an empty, adjoining table. (If you do this first crucial step, you can avoid many of the following problems. If you don't, then you deserve what is coming to you.)

#2: Remind all children: drinks and straws are a privilege. Abuse either and you will be thirsty. Do not spill your drink. Do not spit your drink at others. Laughing while drinking is not advised. Do not turn your straw into a worm. Do not see how far you can stick your straw down your throat. Do not slurp. Do not use straws as weapons. Do not pour salt or sugar in your drink (or anyone else's). Do not fish ice cubes out of your drink with your spoon or your fingers.

#3: Sit quietly. You may color on the menu if crayons were provided. If crayons were not provided, then this is probably a nicer restaurant then you should be at anyway. If you cannot read the menu, ask an adult for help. If an older sibling tells you that the only thing they make for kids is fried squid with mango sauce, please ask for clarification before bursting into tears. No, french fries do not count as a meal. Okay, apparently a corn dog does. *shudder*

#4: You are not the invited entertainment for the evening. People in the other booths would like to pretend you are not here. Do not spit air at them through your straw. Do not loudly recite poorly scripted Hannah Montana jokes and then laugh hysterically with your mouth open. Do not peek over the top of the adjoining bench and say, "Holler!"

#5: Addendum to rule #4: If children are completely out of control, do NOT use the following warning: "You have too many wiggles. Go run around the building five times and then come back in and finish your meal." While this may sound like a perfectly reasonable solution, having three children running around the outside of a restaurant is annoying to the other patrons, and apparently frowned upon by the management.

#6: No musical chairs. No fighting under the table. No foot kicking, arm wrestling, knife jousting, fork poking, spoon gouging, forearm pinching or thigh whacking. If at any time you have space issues, please recite the following to yourself: "There is only so much room for each of us in this booth" -- "personal space does not exist in a family of seven" -- "scoot over or go sit in the car."

#7: Addendum to rule #6. Do NOT use the following warning: "If you can't use good manners, you can go sit in the car while the rest of us finish our meal." While this may also sound perfectly reasonable, sending a child to sit in a car in either hot weather, cold weather or completely temperate weather is against the law, and apparently frowned upon by the Orem City Police Department.

#8: When your food comes, you may say, "Thank you." You may not say, "FINALLY!" Please do not refer to the waitress as, "Hey, Water Lady." Please do not refer to the waiter as, "Yo, Chip Man."

#9: Enjoy your food. Eat slowly. If you cannot breathe and you cannot swallow, it is a good indicator that you took too big of a bite. If your behavior is out of control, and you see that large vein start to bulge out of the side of Dad's neck, it is probably a good time to excuse yourself and walk quickly and quietly to the restroom.

#10: Eating out is a privilege. Or, in other words, I was too cheap to hire a sitter. But there's always next time...