Things that don't belong at church...

I have determined that there are a few absolutely necessary things in life: air, water, sunshine, love, and a church purse. A curious list, to be sure. I have to admit that I used to think having multiple purses was a luxury -- that to have one bag designated solely for one event was frivolous. Not anymore.

A church purse is important because of what it does contain: scriptures, manuals, keys, clear chapstick and tissues. But a church purse is more important because of what it doesn't contain: harmonicas, whistles, scissors, nail clippers, gum of any kind, and lipstick of any color.

You may wonder how I have arrived at this purse conclusion (unless you have multiple children, and then you may wonder why it took me so long...), so I'll tell you. The problem with using your everyday purse at church is that it is bound to contain items that are interesting. Interesting items are very dangerous. For example, lets say that you take your daughter to a carnival where she wins a small harmonica. You place the harmonica in your regular purse to keep it safe. It stays there for a few days and is forgotten. Until church. Then the harmonica is miraculously found by your daughter's younger brother and a cheery tune is quickly played for the whole congregation to hear before you can get to him halfway down the bench.

Another example: lets say you think it is a good idea to keep a whistle in your purse in case of a confrontation with a scary person in a dark place. The truth is, it is actually much more likely that said whistle will be found and blown loudly during a hymn than that you will ever need it in a dark alley.

Continuing on. Perhaps you think that a nail file and a nail clippers are a good purse addition. Consider however what happens when one child who is angry at another child pinches the forearm of offending sibling with nail clippers and draws a substantial amount of blood during the high council talk. Consider also the horrified reactions you receive as you usher crying, bleeding child out of church, with other child bellowing behind you, "MOM, I DIDN"T MEAN TO!"

As you can see, there are many scenarios that have contributed to my overall decision to invest in a church purse. I have decided that if I do not want lipstick used to decorate the pew in front of me, then I don't need colored lips at church. I have learned that pencils and pens can be used as weapons, that gum may freshen breath but it is also a beast to get out of suit pants, that "quiet books" make a very loud thud when they are forcefully swung against the back of a sibling's head, and that small toys have a minimum throw-range of least three benches up. I also know that when I am getting ready for church in the morning, purging my regular purse of anything interesting will always take a backseat to breakfast, hair, clothing and matching shoes.

So, today I went to Target and found a very cute, not-too-expensive, church purse. As of right now, there is nothing in it. And, I am hopeful that this preparation on my part will make all of our church meetings substantially less eventful, and hopefully next week I will need substantially less anti-perspirant.